I wish someone had explained to me earlier in life that experiences, both good and bad, are the sum of who you are as a person. And like anything else hung on the fragile thread of time, has a beginning, a middle and an end.
Seems pretty obvious to me now at 42.5 years young but if someone had sat me down at 25 and explained this to me, would I have lived my life differently?
I was pretty healthy up until I was diagnosed with cancer. I was rarely ill, exercised regularly, ate reasonably well. So when I got sick from the treatment and it’s after effects which have lated two years now (and counting) I begin to wonder am I ever going to feel healthy again? Like the person I was before all this? Probably not. I just realized that this experience today just taught me the lesson above.
So when you are 40 and healthy and hate being photographed because you’re too (WHATEVER) realize how beautiful you are. I look back at pictures of myself precancer and wonder why I hated being photographed. Stupid superficial vanity. Youth is wasted on the young, and beauty is wasted on the beautiful. Now I see the real life. The beauty in struggling everyday to gain back what’s yours. And never stopping. It’s hard and real and people don’t look at that kind of stuff to find beauty, they seem to prefer the more obvious sort. But it’s there. Somewhere deep inside me where it’s cold and it’s dark. It has funny scars. And I see it, because that’s where I have to find it now. And it will grow like a seed that was stored in a closet. I saved it just in time before it died. My self esteem has been crushed by cancer and the rejection associated with it. I have to nurture myself back to whatever health I can muster at this point.
And this period of recovery is a time that will pass too because life is unfolding everyday in ways we can’t even imagine. Sometimes it’s comforting to know that there’s a natural end to every situation that I find insurmountable. It’s just the way the universe works.